Forgiveness Relinquishes Hurt

That this 'wasn't what you expected,'
that line still rings in my mind
trying to figure out what you had expected
I can't even conjecture

That I still love you...
but because of how things turned out
it can't be for me to stay connected.
That I wish I could, but it would just mean
that what happened never, or still doesn't bother me,
but it just does. I wish it didn't, but it just does.

It hurts to be a part of you, so even though
I want to be a part, it's best not to be.
That the friendship ring, continuous and eternal
cannot be broken, but its radius from the intimacy
of its midpoint is increased. And though love never
fails, the closeness is no longer there.

God must still love "the devil." The devil has merely
distanced himself from God by pride. Forgiveness
could bring them close again, but pride keeps one from
admitting fault, from repenting, from confessing,
from seeking forgiveness.
Pride is selfishness, self-protection, fear of hurt,
and yields distance, yields callousness and anger
and defensiveness--even offensive attack.

The truth is that everyone can hurt--a blinding hurt--
but one must hold sight that hurt can only be
reconciled through the process of forgiveness.

A day

August 10, 2006

I couldn't sleep last night. the late night to early morning partiers made a Tuesday pale in comparison to my Fridays. I awoke at 5:30 a.m. thinking it was Lexington Club, but realized it was the noisy girls next door taking no heed of the cacophonous laughter and seemingly drunk need to roar out each next desperately important statement they had to make.

I left at 8:45 a.m. having drowned in the last few hours of precious sleep. The day was of gold uncommon for such early hour. I was momentarily transported back to the days of Barcelona, to a time when no schedule was needed and the activity was determined by the shade of day and mood. But I came to knowing this was not a day of play, and that serious work awaited at USF.

We dined at Alison's and mostly I enjoyed speaking with her mother. She playfully delighted in jesting with her husband.

I caught myself wishing to create the opportunity to better know Janice, too. But I did not want to force the opportunity, only to heed the ones that came of naturally. We did speak and I shared my intent to invite her to things. She mentioned she'd take me to San Quentin and offered me her take on the maladies of the prison system. I'm not much of one for jails, but I'd go and it would be something new and of interest.

Tomorrow, we train our new Ambassadors. I wrote out each of their names for an activity today, and the thought came to me that new relationships were on the horizon.

I am not tired but really need to rest for the upcoming day.


mid day/night chats

Session Start (samsoloman2000@msn.com:UG): Thu Oct 05 00:15:05 2006
[00:15] UG: Hi Sam, u there?
[00:15] sam: hi
[00:15] sam: i'm here
[00:22] UG: how're you?
[00:26] sam: i'm smiling, feeling blessed, filled with good grace and sleepless
[00:26] sam: :)
[00:26] sam: how are you
[00:26] sam: ??
[00:27] UG: glad to hear you're doing great !!
[00:27] UG: i'm fine, too
[00:27] UG: are u still in SD ?
[00:28] sam: no i left san diego... it was a nice place, but not for me
[00:29] sam: where are you these days?
[00:29] sam: CH?
[00:29] sam: FR?
[00:32] UG: i have one leg in each country ;)
[00:32] UG: so where are you now ??
[00:33] UG: i'm still working in Geneva (as a permanent employee at Reuters) but i don't think i'll stay in Geneva very long... it's a bit dull
[00:34] sam: yeah, i've heard Geneva isn't the liveliest of places... where will you move to? back to paris?
[00:35] sam: I moved to san francisco... little, old victorian home in the Mission district
[00:40] UG: that sounds great!! and what do you do ?
[00:41] UG: no, i don't think i'll move to paris. i want to move abroad again, who knows where....
[00:41] sam: student programs and events
[00:41] UG: at Berkeley?
[00:41] sam: university of san francisco
[00:41] sam: i've gone private, oh my!
[00:41] UG: ok ;)
[00:41] sam: hanging out with all the rebellious catholic kids
[00:42] UG: oh my god, i hope you lock your door at night
[00:42] UG: i miss california...
[00:42] sam: no... i leave a trail of wine bottles leading all the way to my door
[00:43] sam: california is always missed by someone
[00:43] sam: just like spain and paris
[00:44] sam: just like the green grass that's always on the other side, and the magical moments in life you can't plan or replicate
[00:44] UG: i wouldn't have said better
[00:45] UG: i just miss living in a real city
[00:45] sam: missing creates longing, longing developes into initiative... and the next thing is you don't miss anymore because you've stretched your arm to touch it
[00:45] UG: california has that balance between urban life and country
[00:45] sam: it makes me feel human...
[00:45] UG: that's always my problem, i always want to be somewhere else
[00:45] sam: alive... breathing
[00:46] UG: i'm really happy for you!
[00:46] sam: and you will always continue to do so... such is your fate
[00:46] UG: i dont know, i hope at some point i'll just be happy to be where i am, even for a short time
[00:47] UG: brb
[00:47] sam: we never really know what it is we want, and what we want is rarely what truely best suits us... so we are constantly searching
[00:47] sam: prodding under stones and in books for answers, clues... constantly packing bags to search it out in some unknown city's cafe in some international airport
[00:48] sam: brb
[00:48] sam: brb too... in the morning... i need tonight's dream
[00:48] sam: bon soir
Session Close (UG): Thu Oct 05 00:48:30 2006

Vaccum being

one single light
to keep the street awake
one pale sodium light
to filter into my space
and keep me awake

countless little drops
from tonight's rain
countless little thoughts
that repeat again and again

she writes
and she calls
he bites
and he stalls

countless little drops
clinging to life on the power wires
of electrical poles
countless little hopes
singing, he aspires
to play that little role

one single chance
to feel complete
one stretched out night
to watch them sleep


A day has passed
and I've seen much
and been much touched by the dedication
of those hoping to make a better space for all of us

I find myself saying 'hello' to every passerby
and being greeted back with warm 'good morn,'
a smile, or even if by bewildered look, I'm still left with a smile

I shared a piece of myself, oh one who spares
the nuances that make me tick
And not just pleasantries, but spits of who I aim
to be and have become
Yet among the lightly rustling leaves, on sunny streets,
in a city that so happily hugs me, swimmingly
she seeps into my mind
just for the fact of her proximity,
like she is closer to the forefront of my conscious state
and it knees me dully, head butts me wakingly
until I squash it out as negative fantasy voodoo,
silly sorcery that is made
only by me
and not the siren of fate and mystery
then I resume my walk and smile uncertainly


I'm here
ever present
combustibly incarnate in this moment
so thick i am that time struggles to pass me
such a viscous time, it does seem to stand
and i enveloped by it.

It is lovely
this increment
of barely moving others
whispering their momentous accomplishment
or perhaps their lackings
of honey-flow low clouds southwardly drawing
of evening music that draws a moment to myself
when nothing can be taken for granted
when having come to terms with how things are
everything is warranted, when those thing
I cannot accept to stand for I have faith will come to change
in this moment - all is taking place
and i breathe, just breathe


I care to not know me
I'd like to banish him
send him away
poor kid of such depravity
I'd like him to wander backward
step into time and ask for Father
to stop the cycle and request such wonder
I'll yell him to the end of his days
and demand his plunder
unless he can rightly justify the
demand and restraints of his everyday rigors
why did you put yourself through such hell
all in the name of uncertainty?
what show do you make of all
those furious internal debates and
esoteric quandaries?
What futility shit have you sunken
yourself into now?

Dissolve me into this boiling
madness of grudger
my eyes sting for lacking strength to tear
my soul languishes, its embers touching
faint whispers of air and redden in final
Between cello notes, floating hopes, cigarette perfume,
and the din of conversation that can't be
extrapolated from an overall buzz
I swallow whole my warmth
and the icy reside is melted through tiny quivers
of my flesh.
The motorbike revs and starts up my spine.
Mine eye, close thee and let
the shiver take hold and heal.